How God Loves Nat

From Madison (I forgot which issue)

leilockheart:

quote submitted by catheriinehuang

“It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part: So much of me is made from what I learned from you, You’ll be with me, like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have re-written mine by being my friend.” - For Good from Wicked

(via leilockheart)

This is me graduating last year, celebrating God’s goodness and faithfulness in my life. This is my second graduation, but the first where I am immensely humbled.

My first graduation was a celebration of all that I have achieved, but also a mourning of what my achievements failed to achieve. I fought hard. I worked hard. I got my diploma with merit with God’s grace, yet the number of hours, sweat and tears I have clocked refused to let me acknowledge that. I was the one that did it.

It was crazy to see the number of bridges I have burned. The amount of tears I wasted, crying out of sheer exhaustion and hopelessness. I pressed on.

However at that ceremony, when I sat with the other merit holders, I was reminded that I was a failure. That despite all my hard work and effort, I cannot open the doors that my lesser-achieving peers could. I didn’t know why. 

Long story short, throughout this whole journey, God had always been there, I just needed to acknowledge His presence. In an odd twist of fate, I started to consider studying in Australia. And God led me to Brisbane.

It was what I needed, but I did not know that then. I grew a lot in that 2 years. I’ve learnt so much. It was just tremendously blessed. I wished I could say that I’d enjoyed every bit of my uni life, but I didn’t.

I had never adjusted back to being a student after years of working. I was so bad with time management. Uni was just one struggle to meet deadlines after another. I had zero knowledge of anything Australian, yet assignments were on Australian-based topics. I kept falling sick two weeks before assignments were due and would still be sick past exams. One month where my brain had limited function. I destroyed my laptop just before major assignments were due. I had nothing going for me, but I had God.

Surprisingly, I didn’t cry at all. The old Nat would have. There was this strength and peace inside that sustained me through it all. God was just sooo good. I got grades that I did not deserve in my final semester. I was so afraid I would have to retake some subjects, I prayed to just pass. But my loving God didn’t want me to just pass, He wanted me to succeed.

As I sat in my seat and watched the ceremony, it was just so amazing. I felt so blessed. The valedictorian reminded us that we are all blessed to have received and completed our education. I couldn’t have earned all these. It is truly by grace.

And now as I move on to a new chapter, I am reminded that the God who had blessed me greatly in Brisbane will continue to blessed me in Singapore. Isn’t that what unceasing means?

Maybe moving on and letting go isn’t about forgetting. The hardest part about change is coming to terms with how easy I let go off the past and embrace the new. That scares me. I see myself as loyal, and to just wholehearted move on seems like the ultimate betrayal.

Yet, moving on isn’t about that. It is knowing that my time in Brisbane will always have a special place in my heart, one full of fond memories. It is just not harping and idealising the memories, all the good old days.

It’s not about forgetting and pretending what happened never did. But to take all of life’s experiences and lessons to work on the future.

It’s not about living in the good old days, but being thankful for those blessings. It is looking forward, believing that the best is yet to come.

Moving on and letting go is ultimately trusting God. That even if it feels like your heart is being ripped out. Even if it feels like you are abandoning your past. Even if it feels so cruel. Even if it feels so lost and foreign. Even if you feel like you can never love again. In spite of all that, God is still sovereign and in control.

<3

(via picnicandsweets)

Was sharing with L how God blessed me by sending some Brisbanites my way. What L replied struck me. She said that she was glad to hear that God used me as a blessing. 

I never saw it that way. All I saw was how God loved me and how He knew what was a balm for my homesick heart. But L pointed out how I was able to be a blessing to them as a familiar friend in a foreign land. It truly amazed me how serving our King was like. It wasn’t a chore or a sacrifice. It was out of an overflow of blessing, so much as that both parties “serving by blessing others”, ended up being the blessed party.

That is how amazing our King is. So wowed. 

  I was watching a video on youtube about a two-year-old deaf girl communicating with her deaf mum. What touched me most was seeing how blessed these two are to have each other. The child has a mother who not just understands what she is going through, but is going through the same thing. Likewise for the mother to raise a child who understands her circumstances. A child who can hear would not be able to understand why everyone, but mummy, can talk.

  This video then reminded me of Hebrew 4:15. 

For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. (KJV, Cambridge Ed)

I’m the sort of person, that when I am going through problems, I find it hard to share with others. I don’t want solutions or prayers. I will ask if I want them. I just want to be heard, and to know that I am not the only one facing this mountain. I know it is a bad habit to pick and choose my listeners, but when I’m going through tough times. I don’t want to have to keep explaining, justifying or have someone try and see the world through my eyes. I am already emotionally exhausted, and it is exhausting to try. I apologize to the friends who I’ve tried to shut out at various points of my life until I was better. But sometimes, it is easier for me to walk alone knowing that people care, than walk with people who cannot understand. The latter walk is far more lonely. 

There is this inner cry, hoping that somewhere in the world, there is someone who can say, “me too. I feel exactly the same way”. And you don’t have to explain yourself or that situation. You don’t have to say a word. You can just sit together and cry. It won’t feel weird. You won’t feel patronized. You feel liberated instead. 

That’s why I am glad for Hebrews 4:15. Even if I cannot find another person who is going or had gone through the same thing, I know that I can count on Jesus who understands. 

More than just understanding, He knows exactly how I feel. That I can just sit in silence with Him. His hand on my shoulder. “I know, Nat. Me too.”

Disclaimer: This video contains swearing and is not Biblically accurate. It contains the opinions and the work of Darkwing Dubs.

I heard this slam poetry at TEDxYouth @ Brisbane last year. While I don’t agree that “If Jesus was born again, He would convert to Buddism”, but the poem did get me thinking. How do I perceive Jesus? Is my idea of Jesus tainted by media, culture and wrong teachings? If Jesus was born again and lived in my era, how would I relate to Him? Would I have misinterpreted who He is? Do I really know Jesus? Am I having a relationship with Him or is it just blind religion?

Some food for thought…